New Year's Eve: Declaration of Dependence

I don't think I've ever seriously made a new year's resolution. It probably has something to do with my complacency. I think it is very easy for me to slip into thinking that everything is alright. That "I'm ok, you're ok" attitude, as they call it, tends to slip in.

Recently, I think I've gotten even a little further off the path in thinking more of myself and my situation than I should. Maybe a little bit of the "I'm great, and you're ok" has come out. I've noticed it, anyway. My noticing probably means it's there and thriving.

In all honesty, it has probably been there all along to varying degrees and I have just never really addressed it. Why would I need a new years resolution anyway? How can you improve on perfection, right? lolz...

The inspiration for this post came from a friend who posted a note on facebook. Here is a quotation from her note:

2007 was my year of trial and error. 2008 will be my year of success, because now I know that you have to lose to know how to win.. you have to feel sorrow to know how precious joy really is.

I have certainly been too complacent. To anesthetized by comfort to feel the sorrow and loss that she talks about.

This has shown up in my prayer life for sure. I don't pray nearly enough. I think that is probably evidence of my self-reliance. Well, my over-self-reliance. It's the times when we are driven to our knees to pray that we come closest to God and realize our dependence.

I've been comforted for so long that I've been lulled to into an unconscious forgetfullness about God. I go to Mass all the time, I go to confession as needed. However, I do not pray enough and, when I do, it is shallow, weak and hurried. With other things needing to be taken care of, I can hardly concentrate. I need that dependence back.

Independence in society is good. Independence the spiritual life, that is, independence from God is disastrous. I know that intellectually, but I'm learning it practically. My life is not falling apart or anything, I just know that He's missing to some degree and I want Him back.

I want to be driven to my knees in prayer. I want even to ask for that. But then I pull back, the comfort is too 'nice' to ask for that. It's too nice to voluntarily request suffering and sorrow. That shows me that I've forgotten just how sweet that Joy really is. If we can't remember that sweetness then why would we ever want to get out of our comfort zone?

So, as it is with the spiritual life, this is a battle that needs to be fought. I need to wake up from the anesthesia and remember that Joy that I've known before. Suffering, penance, is probably the way for that to happen. Self-inflicted, or otherwise, the saints have all experienced this. I need to start taking it seriously. - Check routing number

So, my resolution is to seek that Joy and to re-declare my dependence on God daily. I think this will be a good start to making me more of a 'holy knight.'

Happy New year!

Silent Night, Holy Night

Christmas Eve: 2007

I was at Mass tonight, midnight mass, at 10:30. Funny how we Catholics have to ask the question "what time is Midnight mass?" Well, this year, it was not at midnight.

The homily was about Joe ..... the Austrian priest who composed the song Silent Night.

As Fr. Dan read the homily, I opened the hymnal to Silent Night #522. My mind was wandering as it so often does these days, yes, even during homilies. My mind kind of just put together a play on words. Silent Knight, Holy Knight. No reason really, except, perhaps, it was God bringing good from my mental wanderings. This inspired me to start this blog. I looked back at the mental picture of the first line transformed by alternative spelling. I thought to myself

"Silent Knight, I do tend to pretty silent." I'm especially silent when at home with my family, when praying and when in awkward or uncomfortably new situations. Moving on I thought

"Holy Knight, I do want to be holy."

And lastly, the thought of adventure, victory, honor, bravery and every other adjective that can be attached to chivalry and knightliness came to mind. These are all attractive qualities. I often feel like I am fighting, battling against great odds. When I'm not, I feel like I should be.

So, I am the silent knight, and the (not yet but working on it by the grace of God) holy knight. My thoughts have entered the realm of web 2.0 and it is the first time my personal thoughts have been captured by cyber-space or, really any space.